Pattinson as Cobain?

This is an affront to all things musical. This is an affront to all things movie-related. This is an affront…to all things.

Oh yeah. He's cool.

Universal Pictures’s upcoming biopic on the life of Kurt Cobain just found its Cobain, and tweens all across the nation will rejoice to see that it is the pasty-faced Twilight twat Robert Pattinson. The Sun reports that America’s favorite vampire reject “has always thought of himself as a musician rather than an actor,” making the role a dream come true for him. Imagining the lad attempting to A. Sing, B. Play a Guitar, or C. Act again, makes it a nightmare come true for me.

Now I will admit, my inner journalist is cringing at the fact that I glanced through a tabloid to for the details on this one, but the point is: wouldn’t you be sick to see Pattinson as Cobain? I mean, even if it is a load of bull, the mere thought of it is enough to make one queasy.

Factor in that he has supposedly been in long contact with Courtney Love (now there’s a match made in hell) about the role, and the whole thing just kind of makes you want to sit down and cry.

On the bright side, Scarlett Johansson is supposedly rumored to be playing Love herself in the movie. I do not know how they could possibly trash her up enough to make the resemblance, but I wouldn’t complain too much about that. After all, at least with Johansson around there is the possibility of having something nice to look at while Pattinson whines and fumbles his way through another couple hours of wasted life.

Let us all hope this is just one big lie. If not, well–Hollywood, you’ve managed to hit a new low. Congratulations.

~ by Chris G. on April 9, 2010.

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