Movie Review: Clash of the Titans

“I’m not one of you! I’d rather die than stand alongside you!”

“RELEASE THE KRAKEN!”

I feel like I should like it—what with the epic, destructive monsters of yore and the pillar of badassness that is Liam Neeson—but Clash of the Titans simply fails to deliver.

One of the main problems is 3D. See, Avatar was pretty. Alright, it was a bit beyond that, but hey, bedazzlement aside, the point is: it knew what it was doing on the 3D front. Clash of the Titans, sadly, does not. Clash of the Titans is a 2D movie that was forced onto the 3D scene when the bigwigs saw how much money is currently in that particular market. The 3D looks terrible, and the movie is cinematically unimpressive—which is pretty important when you’re supposed to be offering up a couple hours of mythical, magical battles on a grandiose scale.

Alas, the issues sadly do not stop there. Because after they butchered the looks department, you have to figure that sheer acting prowess could still save such a movie. Sadly, this was not the case. I can’t suppose I’m surprised, of course. The movie is essentially 300 tossed into the realm of the Greek, with a bit more magic and just as much half-naked men screaming down death and destruction on the land. Even the staunchest 300 fans might find this one a bit hard to swallow, though.

The acting is over the top, cheesy, and just plain awful, which is just as well, because the script isn’t about to win any awards either. I also object to improper use of Liam Neeson. Watch Taken two-three times, memorize, and repeat. The man has the potential to kick your ass with a glance—but here, he does nothing, says nothing of merit, and exists simply to be manipulated and, in good time, get his own ass kicked. It’s a travesty.

The plot! The classic celestial boss man, Zeus (Liam Neeson), is having a bad time of things. Greeks are raising revolts against the gods (most well-thought-out plan ever), and his brother Hades (Ralph Fiennes) keeps stabbing people. Suffice to say, it’s a situation that doesn’t leave much time for Zeus’s beloved bestiality (cows and girls, that’s all I’m saying), so he’s understandably a little cranky. Well, when he’s at his most vulnerable, dear Hades convinces him to release “the Kraken,” which seems to be mythic-Greek-speak for an asswhooping.

Fortunately, half-god Perseus (Sam Worthington) is out and about in half-naked glory. He starts out humble, not wanting to get involved, but soon enough, he’s off to wage war—going toe to toe with monsters and gods like Chuck Norris against…well, anything, really.

Impressed? You shouldn’t be. All I can recommend is that you put as much time into watching this as they took in writing it. There are worse things out there, by far, and the action is even tolerable, but the visuals and the acting will leave you pondering why you hadn’t seen anything else this weekend.

Go outside. Enjoy the nice weather. It’s better for you than this.

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

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~ by Chris G. on April 22, 2010.

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